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12:40pm 30/11/2003
  you'll never know how much i love you, frostbite.  

(4 leave me | lying here)

08:12pm 27/10/2003
  game over.
the past is the past. let it go.
reading what isn't yours isn't going to bring you closer to what you've lost-- if anything, it will SCARE IT AWAY FURTHER.


(lying here)

03:39pm 23/10/2003
  how could i even think of anyone else?  

(1 leave me | lying here)

she gives to everybody, you're better than that.   
05:56am 09/10/2003
  she writes for you,
probably in the way you like it best.
i never had the time or patience--
(i feared being less authentic)
my real opinions come out as afterthoughts,
one drop below what's audible to the human ear.

i could never be as serious,
i'm really not that jealous,
i'm influenced but not impressed,
calmly faking distress
(i want you to destroy me because i want to feel this
from you).

in fact,
i love it when you play me for attention
(i'm being serious)
because i have a tone-deaf ego
and i simply adore tests.
you're scared of my old friends
for the same reason you don't trust former lovers:
it's easier to retrace steps
than it is to map out new paths.

i'm going to claim you in all the ways i know how.
if this scares you, tell me now.

(lying here)

06:30pm 05/10/2003
  i missed you so much today. especially while standing at the top of the stairs waiting to go down the WATER SLIDE. I CANT WAIT UNTIL YOURE HERE WITH ME.  

(1 leave me | lying here)

04:14pm 03/10/2003
  i think i might be obsessed.

fuck. i am.

(16 leave me | lying here)

i got a girl, i love her dog(s) too   
03:28pm 29/09/2003
  "we can go wherever we please
and everything depends upon
how near you stand to me"

morrissey knows how it is.

i fucking miss you.

(31 leave me | lying here)

02:04pm 24/09/2003
mood: she's amazing
hours to go

i wanna be sedated.

(we'll fucking sit on the couch and i'll hold you, and we'll find a park bench like sarasota and the next time i kiss you is gonna be like the first time)

(lying here)

08:05pm 22/09/2003
  it's sad that you think if you drive south that you'll be alone.

im like a dog sniffing in the grass looking for my final resting place.

(lying here)

10:01pm 13/09/2003
  im sitting here listening to you play guitar. you don't know that im doing this... but. you're fucking beautiful baby..
and i.
am so lucky.
to be with someone so fucking smart and sexy.
to be with someone that can't dance..

hey.. at least we try, right?
you should know that i'd go anywhere with you
and try anything.
as long as you're there
because you're the safest and warmest place i know..
and for that.
i simply.

(lying here)

11:36am 11/09/2003

c'mon, i dare someone else to try and take it away.

(one more time, remember, force yourself: agony// is anger. tell her you love her)


(lying here)

08:48pm 10/09/2003
this town is just.
the green signs are everywhere like the mold clinging to the ceiling they want you to go.
turning to yellow-over to red. we're about to kill.
and it remains that. inconclusive homicides. premeditated silences.
some want to be reborn just to change their name (it follows you [your paper trail] everywhere you go) down to the roots if you can dig that far.
i sat and watched the kids for days. dangling their limbs in the hole of nothingness they had created. one by one. they slowly fell away..
and to this day.
there is a scar for each of them because forgetting is a sin. as much as driving away into the blinding sun.
but i still run.
in fear of you catching up to me. because what happens then?
over the hills and through the fucking woods to grandmothers house i go.
but she sits there immobile with her jaw glued to the floor.
and you come for me. the hungry torrent i cannot possess. you offer your secondhand love but i already gave you my kindergarten heart.
buried inside a metal fence. you leave it locked.

(lying here)

03:53am 09/09/2003
  i can't fucking sleep

i'm trying to calm myself down,

i read what she remembers,
i don't need to read what i remember to think about it.

i can't,
it's just too much

i really really thought it wouldn't happen again.

that's innocence, right?

i've been told i'm smart.
it's a lie (fitting)
i'm the most mislead motherfucker you'll meet.

this is like the nights i couldn't sleep
or the days i couldn't sleep?
i'd stay awake until it went nuclear
(i was almost an accident, i was twenty-four from gone)
and every february they would ask me if i felt different
i never did until i didn't,
that's when i knew i was getting old.

every winter i'd pretend it wasn't cold
(twenty-four below)
and teach myself not to shake
so what's changed?
now i just bang on keys
and hear melodies--
the only difference is

i tell you i love you and i do
i do

i really fucking do
i'm really fucking


(don't lie, baby,
we all struggle with history
it's a straight social constant,
photography, ghosts)

i can't fix anything with words that sound the same they all ask me why i drive so far i just say because i can because well, i'm out of control and well, i like the way the sky's never the same and what i mean by that is i hate what's familiar i hate that i can't have you i hate eating and sleeping and almost anything human i don't have the same distaste for weakness i think it's you dear security or maybe a motel hallway the click of a lock and i want to remove his mouth with my knife because i know the pain it's brought you and you should just break down on me and i wish i was a better writer and while i'm at it i wish i could decide for her i need ten bullets for the nexxt decade of my life because i'm gonna document it somehow so i might as well do it RIGHT


(lying here)

07:22pm 08/09/2003
  too scared to fail
too weak to try
too unrealistic
lack of iron and/or sleeping
diseased eating

rhythmic patterns
attention span
a loss of a sentence
the absence of a finish
medicated urgency

an end ing

(this was what my grocery lists looked like, last october)

(lying here)

09:28pm 07/09/2003
  try to guess how many times my heart beat for you this evening.

yup.. there aren't enough fingers on your hand to measure it.

(1 leave me | lying here)

back to you   
01:48am 04/09/2003
  so, i think there are a few songs written about this kind of thing.

one that immediately comes to mind is by the stripey whites.

there's this girl--
and she makes me feel.
she's all.. hella scene and such..
impeccable style.
and goddamn, she knows it's the pixies before i do,
and that pisses me off, but when i look over and she's laughing and driving..
i have to let it go, 'cause uh..
she's really pretty. and i'm a sucker for her lucky, pretty eyes.
and she takes good care of her dogs.
and she's jealous and funny and she writes me letters (but not as much anymore)
i like it when she makes dolphin noises!
i like it when her hair's in her eyes,
and oh yea. she's fucking smart, too.
i think i'm going to keep her.

(goddamn right my hands are big. the better to feel you with, my darling...............slkdjfs)

(lying here)

02:08pm 03/09/2003
  shit-====there is this boy.
and wow. he's on my mind all day.
so much that i have to document it in this crazy online journal world.
he's a winner.
he's just so amazing..buying me dinner. taking care of little plants. and wow.
his hands are so fucking big.
and his pants could never be filled by anyone else (except me)
and haha,. I LOVE HIM.

(1 leave me | lying here)

first take   
02:29am 29/08/2003
mood: the light is too bright
close your eyes,
do you trust me to guide you?
i shop at grocery stores and spill ink when i can't sleep,
i get gone when i'm hated
and further when i'm wanted

it's like
numbers on tickets
airplanes and distance,
or changing radio stations as the static rolls in,
breaking records before the song begins--

i'm supposed to be a liar.
fucking right i'll leave lines unfinished.
fucking right i'll stand by as the telephone rings and
she was so tight when i first moved to touched her,
you just had to love her,
i just had to let her in
from the rain?
or the pain
or something undefineable that rhymes
please let me make this just another cliiiiiiiche
yea, i don't even remember a classical start
no meeting in the aisle
it was all set in the dark
because our talking
just talked
through a television day
but we still slid straight back
and let it all play
she followed some script
solid sex and affection
i didn't even know it existed
(i hesitated- perfection)
and this won't have an ending
because i don't fucking want it to

(these stupid words are all reasons i don't want you to leave me)

(1 leave me | lying here)

you're the voice that i like   
08:20pm 25/08/2003
  it's the first day of school but how am i going to mail this letter to you when you have no address
i dont understand punctuation
you've been the one ive been dreaming of and waiting for quite some time
youre the ache in my stomach
and i let it get this empty just to feel the hunger
its you
its me and its all illegible much like this letter; this mess
stop trying to decipher red marks on the page it just makes the blood run thicker
so im sitting in an empty room surrounded by law books
im the only one thats ever on time
the smell of you lingers on your shirts
and your fingerprints remain on my body from where you last touched
this ache that rests in the deepest part of my body is highlighted with every breath of silence between us. and when you're away. oh how i've missed you lately.
we're not newsprint waiting to cover up the clay and we're not dying. no one even knows we've come this far. you're my little secret i want to keep you so.
but it's so hard with an urge this great.
plywood limbs steel hearts and dirty lungs (keep your hands clean)
you're the only that is holding me in : together.

(5 leave me | lying here)

01:57pm 24/08/2003
mood: emo. emo. emo.
i wanna write like her!

but instead, i'll just say...

i like you to the point that nina gordon songs in drugstores make me wanna cry, or maybe buy twelve copies of every 'i miss you' card and send them all at once.

or maybe i should just get a nautical star tattoo instead.
you know.
'cause i've suddenly become


(1 leave me | lying here)